How the Universe Forced Me to be an Artist

It wasn’t until 2018 that I decided to be an artist. In fact, I actively fought it for most of my life. I was a successful elite gymnast since I was 3 years old and excelled at school. Ignoring any art talent, I started college as a pre-med student and college athlete when a devastating back injury, that I had been struggling with since I’ve been 15 finally ended my gymnastics career. That is, if I wanted to walk by the time I was 30, according to doctors. I continued to go to classes only to look around and realize I didn’t like the people I was surrounded by, so I quit pre-med in the same semester.

My downward spiral brought me an eating disorder and strong sense of hopelessness when I walked into a drawing class I was forced to take as a gen-ed. There I met my mentor, Joel Elgin, who ran the Printmaking and Drawing courses at UWL. He pulled me aside one day and said, I think you should switch your major to art and list me as your advisor. I truly had nothing better to do so I said yes. I took every drawing and printmaking class that was offered and also ended up falling in love with Eastern Philosophy, but when I graduated, I decided I couldn’t cut it and quit.

I went back for a Masters in something “more stable,” but I was truly bored. I went to prostitute my project management skills at a hospital for 10 years to pay off all my student loans. On a whim, I decided that I should try to face some fears of mine. The first was public speaking. I had used yoga for many years as a way to manage my back condition and they were offering a pilot Yoga Teacher Training at Mayo Clinic’s employee health center where my nesting partner worked, and he encouraged me to sign up. Those 200 grueling hours really kicked my ass, but helped me stop blacking out when I was asked to introduce myself in a meeting. At the end of that program, I created the first art I had made in four years, Note to Self, a yoga artist book. While it was positively received, it wasn’t enough to make me want to start creating on a more consistent basis, so again, I quit.

It was 2018, when the Universe finally got through. I was on my honeymoon in Hawaii during the fake missile strike. We received a text that said “Ballistic Missile Threat Inbound to Hawaii. Seek Immediate Shelter. This is not a drill.” Like a tourist, we went outside (LOL) and sat there looking at the sky. My beautiful partner looked at me and said he wouldn’t change anything because he had the best life. The first thing that came to my mind was, I wish I hadn’t been so afraid to created things.

The missile strike was a fake, but that realization was not. When I got back, I got drunk and applied for my first artist grant (baby steps ¯\_(ツ)_/¯). I somehow received it and started Shadow Form. Has it been an uphill battle since then? Yes, absolutely. From my own imposter syndrome to constant rejection, a creative person’s shit sandwich is rough. But did you see the list of shows that I’ve done? I’ve also met some fantastic people, built a mighty support system, and made work that I didn’t even know I could. And in 2023, I paid off my student loans and quit my day job. I couldn’t ignore the Universe anymore, and I can’t wait to see what we do together next.